Friday, January 28, 2011

Keeping up with Birth family

I love my children. I know they love me, unfortunately I have to share the love. I'd like to say I'm oh so great, that talking about birth parents with my kids doesn't bother me. But I'd be lying. I do try my very hardest to see everything through the eyes of my child. Sometimes I really have to ask the Lord to help me here. I'm the one wiping noses, tying shoes, helping with homework, cleaning vomit, attending school meetings, redirecting, breaking up arguments, cooking, cleaning, loosing sleep, screaming, yelling, and sometimes feel like for what? Let a birth parent show up at a basketball game, or call, or just show up. BAM! The kids fall over themselves. It doesn't matter if it's been a month or a year. The kids love their bio parents no matter what. Sometime I feel like I'm in competition with them. WHY do I do this. It is so hard not to be jealous and even not to feel strong dislike ( I'd use hate here except I won't let my kids use the word) for the parents. I'm parenting their/my children, what right do they have to have the kids love them in return. I've learned through many years to live with this. just smile and act like it's an aunt or a good friend. I hold all my feelings in. I only express it to other adoptive moms or Keith or my adult bio daughters. I've learned they still love me. I've learned they will always love their birth mothers, always. Even when they remember something awful that happen to them. Even when their mothers walked out, and never looked back. They still love them. It seems they feel like they are indebted to them. I have found that working with the birth mothers is to my benefit. If I can get the mothers permission for the child to love me, then it is so much easier for the kid. They feel so guilty pledging alliance to me. My motto is You Can Love Us both. As my example I use my grandmother. I loved her. Very Very much. I could never have chosen between her and my mother. Never. That is what I want for my adopted children. I want them to love us both. So far, I've got it worked out. So far. I never bad mouth parents. I never say "well if they weren't druggies, or if they wanted you. Or anything that they could take as offensive. I just say. You know mom made a bad choice. or dad just didn't follow through. or mom didn't have the support. or mom didn't have a mom like me , who would make you do the right thing by your children. Or a million other things i come up with. I hope that in raising them with love and compassion, teaching them about the choices life gives you and helping them to understand what happened to them that they can grow, and mature, and come out as an adult strong and mentally healthy. With no what ifs. I hope they can understand all people are different. And you never know what decision you will make until you walk in the same shoes. If they can have a reltationship with this mom and that mom, then just maybe they can take the best of both of us and be the best they can be!


  1. I wish your blog had a "like" button for posts, like Facebook! Very well written, mom!

  2. "I never say "well if they weren't druggies, or if they wanted you."

    I really hope you don't think that... As a birthmom to a child over a decade old, it wasn't that I didn't WANT my daughter. I knew that she deserved better than I, several years under 18 and a victim of rape, could give her.

    I haven't seen my daughter in over 6 years due to her selfish, heartless adoptive parents. An open adoption that they closed "because we can"... So yeah... I would give anything for my daughter to fall all over and get excited when she sees me.

  3. Very well written. Although we don't have any open adoptions here....the birth parents can go to the office at any time and ask about the kids. They can request pictures, letters, copies of report cards, etc. Not once, not even one (3 separate adoptions) have come forward and asked one question. It does break my heart, but at the same time, hearing them talk about their birth homes/parents is hard too. I'm like you, never do I put down their birth parents but they also know their birth parents have the above option and choose not too (they were older when they know).

    @ growinguplost - I'm so sorry the adoptive parents to your daughter have been this way. HUGS