Thursday, September 17, 2009

Adoption Disruption

NO, I'm not disrupting.
I do have several friends in the adoption world who have considered disrupting and a couple of friends who have disrupted. I have been in this life of adoption long enough to know that not every child fits into every family. No matter how much the parents want it or how much they love the child. Sometimes those are the hardest disruptions. Moms and Dads who love so much but realize love isn't enough. Tons and tons of books have been written on it. Some kids just don't bond with some parents and families. RAD is one cause. Reactive Attachment Disorder is probably the number one reason for disruption. In other cases it is something else. Hardly ever in my experience has disruption been for lack of want or love. In fact I think in my opinion the ones who love the most are the ones who let go. They want so bad for the child to succeed they can't stand the thought that they may be holding them back. If there is a chance the child can succeed in another family then they sacrifice everything to make sure this child gets that chance.
Believe me it is everything. The parents I've known who have disrupted really caught a lot of negative feedback. Unless you have walked in someone else shoes don't judge. I can remember thinking of some things my birth kids would never do. I knew my kids would not act like that and I would not react. Boy does things change when you are living it instead of watching it. Some children aren't' going to succeed , no matter what. I'm sorry , but that is the way I see it. When I say succeed I mean live lives with out being involved with law enforcement, work a job, take baths, no drug abuse, no alcohol abuse, no child abuse, no repeating what their parents did to them, no violence, etc. etc. Success means different things to us all. I want each and every one of my children to be successful. Right now they are all on that path. It could change in a heart beat. As children age into teenagers and young adults they have choices to make. These choices could effect the rest of their lives. Hind sight is 20/20. If they could jump ahead 10 years and look back at the what ifs, I'm sure they would see things in a different light. I also think that children who don't attach after moving from family to family wishes they had made the best of what they had. I've read about children being moved 5,6, and 7 times looking for a family they wanted. It never happened. Of the disruptions I know of all of the kids seem to be doing better in their 2ND home. I think they are definitely some kids who just aren't a good fit for some families. Believe me I know I wouldn't be a good fit in just any family. The mom swap. or I think it is actually wife swap they do on TV surely would not work for me. They would send me packing in one day.
When we fostered for about 7 years I never had to have a child moved. Never. I did think about it. I was just lucky enough to be able to see it through. I knew their time was limited in my home and I just kept telling myself the end was near. There were some kids I was so so glad who left, Went home, or to live with relatives. (I kept the rest) I knew what my limits were and was lucky enough to have a county who was upfront with me on behaviors and worked really well with me to get all the help they needed.

I hope and pray I'll never have to disrupt. I don't think I will. But like I said things happen and life changes. I would actually love to adopt again from a disruption. In fact that is where I felt the Lord was leading me when I felt the desire to adopt again. It hasn't happened yet, and may not. I am so impatient. Some times we just need to be still and hear God's voice. I am trying. Everyone says you must be so patient with all those children. Well I'm not.

We never know what's around the corner. We never know what God is going to ask of us. When he says he won't put on us more than we can bear, I believe him. This is how I get through some tough times. This too shall pass. So if your considering disruption, or have disrupted don't fret, it may all be part of God's plan. I believe that of the child we adopted from a disruption. The first mom just had to pick her up for me, and be with her until I could. (Thanks again!) It was all part of the big picture. We just have a puzzle piece. But it all fits together in the end.


  1. Thanks Vicki, I just sent 2 back to school after being home with them sick for a week and I was wondering why in the world God picked me to be their 2nd and 3rd mother! He could have found someone much more patient than me. I was ready to leave and join the crew of the Cornelia Marie on the Deadliest Catch or something..anything. Thank God they lived through the swine flu and me and I lived through the week.Now for the weekend...

  2. You have no idea how much I needed to read your post tonight. We have a situation in our home with our son, who actually hasn't been adopted yet. He has RAD, and we are wrestling with the decision of terminating our adoption agreement because we don't feel as if we can help him get the help he needs and are concerned for the emotional and physical safety of our biological son, who is one. God led me to your post, and you have lifted a load of guilt. I am not considering giving him up because I don't want him or don't love him. I love him so much that I can't stand the thought that we are not helping and maybe even harming him. Thank you again for your post.